Loving the Body, You Are In

I have always had body image issues ever since I turned ten years old and began learning about all things female. What makes the perfect lover for your partner. The only images I had seen were of actresses in the film who had perfect bodies in my eyes.

I didn’t know I would battle for a long time with my body. I grew up listening and seeing my dad puke after binge eating who had body issues that I eventually took up those habits myself. He was bulimic, and I remember listening to him when I was younger, puking in the bathroom after eating 12 cheeseburgers from Mcdonalds.

I would exercise for hours a day. I would always begin my workouts on the treadmill until I hit a mile or two. Then onto weight lifting, this would typically last an hour, or so I would focus on my stomach and hips. My arms have never been a problem; they grow in muscle, whether I work them out or not. As a child, I had a stomach problem that I still struggle with today that made me underweight naturally, but whether I was overweight or underweight, I hated my body.

I always have hips, and yes, as women, it’s ok to admit hey I don’t like myself right now. I had to take that first step before I could take the next. I had to be in poverty to finally see the light on my body image. In Florida, when I had no money to my name and was in debt up to my ears with no food insight in the house, I was renting at the time.

I got to see my body drastically change in the picture below the one of me on the left is my favorite skull shirt was during that time. I still had hips; they were just bony, no fat, not even on my stomach. The picture on the right was when I lived in California and was well-fed, and this was before a Halloween Rave party in downtown San Diego. I dressed as a wolf, and that was the first time I thought I looked beautiful. These are the images of myself I battled with daily.

Who would win out? I have battled between the too skinny version of myself versus (one on the left) the overweight version of myself (one on the right) my entire life. I even questioned sharing these photos of myself, but at some point, you have to love that body your in.

When I laid in bed after a day of walking all day on my feet, I felt my bony hips and my no fat stomach. I asked myself, is it worth being here? Is it worth being in a house starving yourself looking for a job to eat? At this point, I truly wanted to die. This wasn’t my lowest point in life, but it was one of my scariest moments because I didn’t know if I was going to make it to the next month, let alone still be renting a house in Florida.

This is when I finally let go of any image of myself that I had ever had of myself. I was done with this. In that scary moment, I chose to love the body I was in. In truth, the only issues I saw with my womanly hips were just me. I was my worst enemy. That’s why letting goes was so freeing I allowed myself to be.

It’s safe to be in the body you are in and to love the body your in. I can honestly say now I love my hips, whether there is fat on them or not. It’s a part of me. It may be a part of what my body looks like, but its what makes me who I am. I dance with my hips and just let myself be who I am as it is safe for every woman out there to love her body as it is no matter what. It’s a part of you.